Revelations, Epiphanies
Today my friend asked me if I wanted to get some new clothes. Chico's , she said, was having a sale, fifty per cent off everything. I looked at her, and suddenly uttered the words that I have let out of the cage finally (as I, too, had noticed that Chico's store had some clothes I might have wanted to try on some day, although, somehow, I knew they won't be quite right for me anyway)... I said to her, in spite of my own expectations: "I will never buy a single item at Chico's." She looked at me in mild bewilderment. I continued: "You see, the woman with whom my ex- betrayed me worked at Chico's, or so he said." My well-meaning friend looked at me even more intently and urged, "This sort of association with pain is not healthy, whoa, you need to let it go ..." "Whoa" is right, " I thought to myself, tears streaming uncontrollably down my cheeks. I haven't cried that hard in all these months since I've moved to California. I've been feeling so happy here - I had no reason to cry.
Maybe I needed to cry, in order to give myself permission to shop at Chico's. Maybe I will some day. Tonight I discovered a tiny corner within where a piece of past pain was stuffed, and it had found me, after two-and-a-half years of solitude and forgiveness, and, what they call "friendship with the ex" - the notion I have always questioned. One can forgive, but forgetting is not necessary. I have forgiven him the moment he regretted the betrayal. He did it because subconsciously he knew it was a matter of time before we would no longer be together. Yet, I trusted him like no other... It's time to let go. Tonight's tears were what some call an emotional clearing. I am glad that Chico's is having a sale.
P.S. Earlier in the day, I have met someone whose name was Epiphanio. There must be some strange stellar influences right now...:)
posted by Irina | 11:03 PM
6 Comments:
Maybe you just don't like Chico's clothing... It's hard when you trust and they let you down. Best of luck in your healing.
Eve, ha-ha, actually I am not crazy abotu their clothing, but I wouldn't mind browsing there, if only there weren't the association in question:)
Thanks for the wish. I believe I am quite healed. Last night was the finishing touch:)
Oh, on Friday one of my friends asked to see pictures of my ex. So I found his myspace page and whoa! Picture of him and the girl he cheated on me with. Lovey-dovey pictures.
I felt a pang.
But then when I went to sleep on Friday, I woke up from a very disturbing dream at 3am. It was about my former best friend who betrayed me. In the dream I told her how much she'd hurt me. I told her everything that I felt but had never told her.
What I should have told my ex. What I wanted to tell my ex. The dream is about him, and also about me coming to terms with my own feelings. In dreams each person represents a part of ourself. So this was my new self telling my old self, "You can't get rid of me. You can't be ashamed of me. You can't stop listening to me."
I woke up crying. It was cathartic.
MzHnM
Dear MzHnM,
What a powerful dream, and a great interpretation of it. You must be going through some sort of transformation, and that's always cathartic, telling yourself the truth about yourself, being able to say it like it is - if only in a dream - that's already clarifying and cleansing. I can only imagine what I would have felt if I saw an ex with his current object of attention. That must have been a rough thing, to trigger such a dream, which, as an outcome, is a good one. I know only too well about leading internal dialogues with someone to whom I should have said it all before, and only can say it in a dream, or in a private internal monologue:) Thanks for sharing.
Anything you could buy there for half price would still be more than you'd pay at a sale at, say, Nordstrom's.
And Chico's doesn't exactly go out courting the, ahem, shorter woman. Being a petite size myself, I notice these things.
I wouldn't buy anything at Chico's either, and I don't have an ex that ever claimed to work there.
moi frey,
I agree with you. I was never compelled to shop there anyway, and now that it bears a vague, almost deleted association with someone who may have been an unwitting instrument in my former relationship's demise makes it even less attractive:) I don't dwell on it, though.
Post a Comment
<< Home